Monday, November 24, 2008

Monday's Gratitude

Today I am thankful that my whole family is made of nuts.

Seriously, I think every family has a silly person, but mine is all way too crazy. The funny thing is they think they're sane.

One of my family members, (names withheld to protect the mentally ill) he counts things. It doesn't sound so weird, but it is. Anything in a room he has to count. The number of pictures on a wall, number of points on a cardboard crown, number of light bulbs, etc.

Another one types words. If you say a sentence, they will make small movements with their fingers, typing out a word that stuck out to them from that sentence.

You can't tell just by watching them that they are nuts, they have to let you in on their secret.

Someone very close to me talks to stuffed animals, and they "talk back" using a totally less than heterosexual voice and the toys are fully animated when he moves the toys arms, tentacles, or whatever.

An older relative talks back to those machines that call you about your interest on your credit card accounts. Yeah, he tells them off. He complains that I don't talk back to him when he gets my voicemail.

A brother uses phrases like "you mean wall candy?", "Speaking of words that sound like ______(insert random awkward body part here)..."(hint- nothing was ever said that sounded remotely like said body part), and my favorite "it tastes like an angel peeing on your tongue".

So, it only makes sense that I act the way I do. I come from a family of crazies.

What do I do that is nuts? I guess it's only fair since I just outed my entire family. So here it goes, and if you still like me after this, then maybe it's because you're crazy too.

I put peanut butter on the floor to prove a point, talk to myself (It's not always what I say, but how I say it), I play along with other crazies delusions...and stuffed animals, I really do think dolls talk and move when I'm not in the room (I spend my spare time trying to convince them that the jig is up and they should talk to me. I promise I won't tell anyone. Yeah, Toy Story was a trip.), I shout violent things at the television when there is a fight or a football game (Get him! Kill him! Kick him in the shins! Knock him unconscious! Break his arm!), I will do anything to get out of going out with another couple (I'm super antisocial), I often check how long my tongue is (can it touch my nose today?), I answer people without realizing it and most of the time it's the wrong answer, I like to read books upside down, I think that Listerine cures almost everything and if it doesn't crackers will, and the number one crazy thing about me is... there is always a part of me that thinks no one else really exists, you are all a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I don't even exist. I don't connect with my body. I am just an observer. Even my past is just a memory put in me, not something I lived.

So, yes, I am glad I come from a Family Nut Tree. It makes me feel better about how strange I am. It also lets me know who feels close enough to let me in on their little secret. Maybe all of you "figments of my imagination" really are all nuts too. I just haven't gotten to that revelation in my delusion yet.

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