Wednesday's Gratitude

I'm grateful I'm almost done with listing what I'm grateful for...just kidding. Today I am grateful for a dirty word I call infertility.

Man I hate that word. It sounds so personal, and it is.

Peter and I have tried to have a baby for years...over seven. It's tough because unless you went through it, you don't understand it. You suffer through people's insensitive comments and misunderstandings. People have stood in Sunday School and said, while looking directly at us, "It is a commandment to multiply and replenish the Earth and nobody should put it off for any reason." Yeah, that's awkward. And then there are the comments that backtrack..."Oh, yeah, it's great to be a mother, but I think that those women who can't have them are strong enough that it is a trial they don't have to go through." (Said while rubbing my back in a soothing manner.) That was even more awkward. It was a sweet thought, but honestly, I don't need to be defended.

The worst are comments like, "Oh, someday you'll understand when you're a mother." Or "You don't understand because you don't have kids." As if I've never been near a child or watched my own family. "Oh yeah, but it's different."

Beyond the outside world, into my own heart, is my own feelings. I'm broken. Something about me won't preform this basic commandment. Maybe if I was a better person. Maybe I've done something wrong. Maybe I can't be trusted with a child. I'm not good enough. I can't give Peter a child. He probably really wants one. He would be amazing.

I have friends with this problem and they are at a stage of immense anger and bitterness whenever someone get pregnant. Suddenly they are the judge for who shouldn't have children.

I'm not there anymore. Yes, I cry sometimes, but not so often. I've learned that through my trial, I have been brought closer to my Heavenly Father. I really learned that I need to trust him. He knows what is best for me. If it happens, it happens. But if not, then I can be happy knowing that I did my part and someday I will be blessed with that opportunity if I live righteously. I'm okay with either scenario.

It has also brought me closer to my husband. I get to spend so much time with him with out getting a babysitter. We get to lie in bed in peace on Saturday mornings. He buys me cool things and I get to listen to him without interruption.

I don't have to change diapers everyday, or potty train (well, too much). I don't have to listen to my child scream at me in public (just my nephews) or tell everyone all the embarrassing details of my personal life. I don't have to remember what takes crayon off the wall, or marker (I hear bread works for something). I don't have to make emergency room trips for the skittle they shoved up their nose. I don't have to be at their beckon call to give them food while I am famished. I get to be a little more selfish. I still eat the last cookie. I don't feel trapped at home, and quick trips to the grocery store aren't huge chores.

Don't get me wrong. I love children. I want children very much, and I admire the mothers out there that do such an amazing job. I just have learned to love the freedom I enjoy. I appreciate the money we get to save. I also have way more energy and desire to play with my nieces and nephews. I get to be fun. Then I get to send them home.

So, though infertility has been a major trial for me, I am grateful for it. I'll be grateful when it's over, but right now, I love my life. Dreaming of having a child is much easier and more romanticised than actually doing it.